I walked out of my therapists’ office this morning with a new mantra:
“Don’t be a victim of love”
– Andre Campbell
But let’s start at the beginning.
I stride in, all black threads, fresh from a cold shower and focused by fast-induced hunger only slightly subdued by 16 ounces of nitro. Think, Dark Night vs. Bane right before Bruce wakes up in the Pit.
I was prepared; had rose early to review my journal, collect my thoughts, and was ready to offer up a condensed version of the last 6 weeks for evaluation. But that’s not quite how it works in this office.
Cooly perched in his plush arm chair, Andre patiently notates while I cover my material – my first month back at school, my new job, my writings, my text exchange with my long-estranged mom…wait, let’s pause there. ‘Tell me more,’ he says. Then the dreaded, ‘how do you feel as you’re telling this story?’
But after 5 years on the adjacent burgundy leather loveseat, I see this coming; ‘ambivalent,’ I say through my teeth.
He counters, ‘Are you being honest with yourself?’
Persistent, I think before launching into a heady regurgitation of the carefully balanced pros and cons of meeting up with my mother after 5 years apart.
‘I don’t think she’s ready and here’s why,’ I conclude, pointing to the text where she indicates she wants to give me a hug.
She hasn’t even offered an apology; this hug – in my mind – represents a covering up of historical wrong doing – a far cry from the atonement I feel I deserve. Not to mention, the last time I went through this, she bailed at the buzzer.
I’ve worked too hard and have come too far – I tell myself – to go back to that place.
But you’re still there, Andre says with a look, and then, ‘it’s as if you’ve built a beautiful house, carefully manicured the lawn, but can’t go inside.’
I’m reeling, struggling to regain composure; the words cut deep.
He continues, calmly inquiring, ‘why are you playing victim to love?’
‘I’m not playing’….I trail off, my tongue goes limp, my vocal cords dry and taught. I assume a listening position while he explains how I’ve been here before, circling but never facing my real need: self-love.
He goes on. One who loves themselves with abandon – think child running arms open wide – cannot be victimized.
I realize I have been longing for my mother to provide this love since I was a child. I am now avoiding the interaction because I am afraid she won’t live up to my expectations and I’ll be hurt, again, as a result. The ‘house’ I’ve been building has become an icy monument to perpetual victimhood.
He reminds me that only I can give myself the love I’ve been both seeking and avoiding from her.
Time’s up.
He repeats the mantra and we schedule our next session.
The theme of the mantra is simple:
internal strength built on a foundation of love and abundance can’t be compromised
– Me
To be continued…